Containment Fiction
AOE: Anomalous Object Entry
AOE-ANTI-J — Codename: “Nahtwig, God of Laughter, Belly-Boiler of Joy”
Anomalous Object Entry
ANTI-J
Object Severity
Safe*
Containment Difficulty
Uncontainable — Informational
Containment Status
Uncontained
Containment Specifications
Containment of AOE-ANTI-J is unnecessary, as no one unfamiliar with the anomalous would believe their ears if it was witnessed. It’s an experience which is typically very transitory and self-limiting in normal, non-idiotic, and non-insane circumstances.
Site-728 personnel can tune into local channel 76 for video coverage, or 52.9 AM locally for broadcast coverage.
* Extreme caution should be exerted when around the anomaly, not because it is dangerous, but because some people are adrenaline junkies.
Abstract
AOE-ANTI-J is a roving and constant volume of sound. It typically follows the pampero sucio, a strong wind that carries across the south of Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay, Paraguay and Bolivia.
Researchers who have tracked the anomaly via motor vehicles define it as approximately 6m³ and roughly spherical, as sound waves emanating from a source would be, and closely hugging the terrain. It is usually lost as it travels across the Atlantic Ocean.
Matching speed with the anomaly (“surfing”, ~35kph) has become somewhat of an amateur sport, and a team’s experience of the anomaly is considered the prize. Four motor vehicle accidents have occurred as a result of this, some resulting in severe injuries, and one death. Two of these accidents have occurred as a result of sudden application of breaks at land’s end, as AOE-ANTI-J becomes seaborne.
Anomalous Properties
By all accounts, AOE-ANTI-J is described as someone, presumably a male with a large body habitus, having a fit of laughter. The laughter is boisterous, full-bellied, and somewhat contagious, as a majority of witnesses also laugh. No memetic properties have been detected and laughing personnel have a varying and inconsistent array of memetic vaccinations.
The dominant theories currently posit AOE-ANTI-J as a time-loop and multidimensional bleed, possibly incited by either an average or perhaps an anomalous, extra-dimensional joke. Some academic theories posit that if AOE-ANTI-J is followed long enough, the cause of the laughter might also be experienced. Empirically, this is not a loop of sound, as no clear repetitions have been noticed; researchers retain the belief however for reasons of conformity to known anomalo-scientific theories of multiverse bleed.
Unconfirmed reports that the voice has interacted with teams in pursuit of it have fueled interest in continuing to match AOE-ANTI-J for more than purely adrenaline-based reasons.
Update
The sport built around casual knowledge of AOE-ANTI-J (now dubbed “joyriding”) has developed a second tier of effort, which is the relay of land teams to sea teams, in as frictionless of a manner as is possible.
Typically, a land team will briefly outpace AOE-ANTI-J near the terminus of the land route, and re-pursue it upon jet skis in the ocean. New efforts to perfect and streamline this process, however, have seen vehicles driven directly into the ocean, the unlocking of roof-ferried jet skis synchronized skillfully with the vehicles’ impact with the water, so that the transition from land to water is seamless, and the pursuit uninterrupted.
A team that first performed this successfully was recording the event, and captured the following audio, which due to exquisite personnel training, was immediately treated as an impromptu and later-officiated interview:
The team, "M.F.WEEEEE", is in a relay comprised of Agent Marcus and Agent Velasquez. At this point in the sport's development, one agent, Marcus, took lead with the jet ski and another, Velasquez, trailed behind on water skis, and strapped to a rope. This was meant to encompass a larger surface area than two less-coordinated jet skis. The agents are fitted with standard comms.-----------
[BEGIN LOG]Agent Marcus: (elated yelling) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!Agent Velasquez: We did it!Agent Marcus: The tits!!Agent Velasquez: Don't be a pig!Agent Marcus: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Elated yelling continues for an additional 10 seconds)Agent Velasquez: OK, OK where is he?Agent Marcus: I got him here I think. Agent Velasquez: Heard.Agent Velasquez: ... I just don't hear him back here.(Pause, noises of the ski's impact with the ocean)Agent Marcus: Where did he go?Agent Velasquez: Maybe it just stops at the ocean after all.Agent Marcus: Fuck.AOE-ANTI-J: Hey. Agent Marcus: FUCK!AOE-ANTI-J: Why are you following me?Agent Velasquez: You're here!AOE-ANTI-J: I'm not "here"; you're following me.
Agent Velasquez: Why did you stop laughing?AOE-ANTI-J: I dunno.Agent Marcus: So, you aren't... laughing at anything in particular?AOE-ANTI-J: Should I be?Agent Velasquez: No... uh... Agent Marcus: I got this. Why do you laugh so much? On the land at least?AOE-ANTI-J: It tickles.Both: It tickles?AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah. The land. It tickles my tummy.Agent Velasquez: The land. Tickles. Your tummy?AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah, my tummy. It's always been ticklish. Since I was a boy. AOE-ANTI-J: Is that... you guys seem disappointed.Agent Marcus: Well, we thought you were the type of anomaly to, just... I dunno, keep laughing.AOE-ANTI-J: Like... forever?Agent Marcus: Yeah.AOE-ANTI-J: Oh. Well. No. Agent Marcus: No.AOE-ANTI-J: I mean that'd be nice. I guess. I forget about my existence when I laugh. That's why I like you guys, your vehicles tickle too. You can tickle me now if you want.Agent Velasquez: Weird. That makes the sport all weird now. AOE-ANTI-J: Oh. Well. Agent Velasquez: Also you are incorporeal it seems, I'm not sure how all this works.AOE-ANTI-J: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Somehow the land and your vehicles still can tickle me. Agent Marcus: But not these sea-faring ones it seems.AOE-ANTI-J: Seems not.(Pause of 5 seconds.)Agent Velasquez: So, what are you exactly? Human?AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah. I just said I have a tummy for God's sake. I'm speaking to you in English. What else has a tummy and speaks in English?Agent Velasquez: Right I... sorry. We have to ask that.Agent Marcus: How did you get to be in this state?AOE-ANTI-J: Nahtwig, the God of Laughter punished me.Agent Velasquez: God of Laughter, huh? AOE-ANTI-J: Yup.Agent Velasquez: Seems to have a sick sense of humor.AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah.Agent Marcus: Did you piss him off?AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah I guess I did.Agent Velasquez: ... can I ask how?AOE-ANTI-J: I committed the apparently mortal sin of eating while pooping.Agent Marcus: Oh dude. Gross.AOE-ANTI-J: Seems pretty harmless if you ask me. It's efficient too if you think about it. Agent Velasquez: I mean... you did this like once?AOE-ANTI-J: No, every day. Agent Marcus: Dude.AOE-ANTI-J: Every morning really.Agent Marcus: Gross.Agent Velasquez: I don't understa-- WAVE!!!(Pause, sound of ocean turbulence, a splash.)Agent Marcus: I don't understand; the God of Laughter punished you for eating while pooping too many times?AOE-ANTI-J: Yup. Agent Marcus: Why?AOE-ANTI-J: Uh, I guess a lot of the Gods were angered by it. Agent Marcus: Why wouldn't they send the God of Anger?AOE-ANTI-J: Nahtwig thought it was funny, so he volunteered.Agent Marcus: But you didn't stop, clearly.AOE-ANTI-J: No shit! (Laughs) That's a good one.AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah, he and the other Gods, they damned me to roam the Earth for all eternity in a formless way, looking and needing to poop and eat forever but never quite getting it.Agent Marcus: Well I'll be. AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah, Nahtwig still laughs with me though, thinks my laugh is funny.Agent Marcus: Oh you guys speak?AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah, he's right there.NAHTWIG, GOD OF LAUGHTER, BELLY-BOILER OF JOY: Hey.Agent Marcus: Sup.AOE-ANTI-J: Glad we could all meet. Anyway. I won't be back on that land strip for another few months. You might want to turn around.Agent Marcus: Yeah we are getting pretty far out here. Nahtwig, so this guy is laughing just because he's tickled? I have a bet with the guys that there's a really funny anomalous joke that caused it. You aren't telling him a sick joke that I can hear and tell the guys?NAHTWIG, GOD OF LAUGHTER, BELLY-BOILER OF JOY: Nah.Agent Marcus: ... so... there's no joke?NAHTWIG, GOD OF LAUGHTER, BELLY-BOILER OF JOY: There's no joke.Agent Marcus: Huh. AOE-ANTI-J: There’s no joke.Agent Marcus: Sorry, did you say something else?AOE-ANTI-J & NAHTWIG, GOD OF LAUGHTER, BELLY-BOILER OF JOY: (in unison) Nah.Agent Marcus: Oh. OK.(Whistling)
Agent Marcus: Oh shit, where's Velasquez?AOE-ANTI-J: I think she... didn't survive that wave.Agent Marcus: Oh shit.Agent Marcus: Valesquez is dead?AOE-ANTI-J: Uh, sure looks like it. Agent Marcus: Holy shit...AOE-ANTI-J: You might not want to look back.Agent Marcus: How the hell...AOE-ANTI-J: Looks like that wave toppled her over and you didn't slow down or anything. Isn't that like the first safety rule? Agent Marcus: Oh. Yeah. It is. AOE-ANTI-J: Yeah.Agent Marcus: So... did I kill her?AOE-ANTI-J: Uh... technically?AOE-ANTI-J: Nahtwig? What do you think?NAHTWIG GOD OF LAUGHTER, BELLY-BOILER OF JOY: Killed her.Agent Marcus: ... drat.
(Sounds of engine and light ocean splashes with a gentle sea breeze.)
Agent Marcus: Could I just... kinda hang out with you guys? Keep on in this direction?(Pause)AOE-ANTI-J & NAHTWIG GOD OF LAUGHTER, BELLY-BOILER OF JOY: (in unison) Sure.(Sound of ocean and the ski's engines for an additional 3 minutes.)Agent Marcus: (Crying) You guys are hilarious.
AOE-ANTI-J: Thanks.NAHTWIG, GOD OF LAUGHTER, BELLY-BOILER OF JOY: Thanks. (The jet ski radio is turned on, “Take Five” by The Dave Brubeck Quartet plays.)[END LOG]
Note: Agent Valesquez was celebrated for dying how she liked to live; in the pursuit of laughter.
