I’m Retiring
NEWS/OPINION — After laughing often at SCP Wiki Staff members stepping away due to mental health reasons & self-imposed stress, it’s time for a taste of my own medicine.
I’ve done some soul-searching and have been struck with long-harbored hypocrisies that I just can’t kill: I constantly criticize Staff for bloat, yet I have more bloat on this blog; I ridicule how often they burn themselves out, and here this blog and Confic Magazine take up a lot of my time; I criticize modern SCP articles for putting on pull-ups to try and be big-boy canonical novellas too, and yet I regularly write posts longer than those SCPs. These observations were shot at me point-blank some time ago back on my CuriousCat when that was active, by the wisdom of an anon, but that the deep, slow momentum of is only now smashing into me, like a scene in a dramatic slow motion. The soul collision has utterly defeated me. In retrospect, the relentless, hard-hitting truth & justice is probably why I left there.
This is all just so piercing, so true. Kudos, djkaktus, you know how to throw those punches right back, Judo style. So I am retiring from the SCP Wiki Staff trash-talking game in shame.
I’ve said all I have to say. I mean how many times can one person say in slightly different ways that the SCP Wiki Staff sorta sucks, really? Still, I am going to leave my secret weapon, a template that I’ve used to write each and every one of these blog posts. This is my gift to the world. My legacy. People will think of me as a visionary, just like djkaktus when he wrote that essay gifting us all with his signature CSS formats— oh that’s been self-deleted? Well. This will be like if that wasn’t deleted; glorious for all time, showered with appreciation, given the slow, smiling, and relieved nod that only such selfless weight-lifting of all humanity can create.
Hopefully, others will fill it out as they see fit, and continue my job for me in my absence:
TITLE: SCP STAFF [VERB] THE MOST [RIDICULOUS/ABSURD/ELITIST/INFLATION] IDEA EVER... AGAIN: [INSERT UNFLATTERING METAPHOR/ANALOGY, SUBSTITUTE FOR ACTUAL ARGUMENT]SUBTITLE: NEWS/OPINION -- [ONE SENTENCE WITH A BIT MORE INFO, NOT MUCH MORE THOUGH... DON'T WANT TO GIVE TOO MUCH OR THEY WON'T READ. BE SURE TO CONTINUE THE IMAGERY/ANALOGY SET IN THE TITLE][HYPERBOLIC SLIGHTLY-MODIFIED STOCK IMAGE]-----[NOTE: TYPE WITHOUT USING YOUR PINKIES. THESE ARE TO REMAIN RAISED IN THE AIR, SIMILAR TO SIPPING FINE TEA, AS IF HIGH-CLASS.]In an astounding amount of irony and a telling amount of nepotism, the SCP Wiki Staff have just [VERB, past tense] themselves again. This is cataclysmic, but no one is talking about this, only me, damn it. Why? Is it because no one else is so crazed as to devote hours to the actions of [ADJECTIVE], young adults with [ADVERB-ADJECTIVE COMBO] egos, all because even younger kids think their writing is [1990’s POP CULTURE REFERENCE]-level, face-meltingly cool? Yes. Moving on.[BEGIN WITH CONTEXT OF A NEW O5 COMMAND THREAD, LINK ARCHIVED. DO NOT WRITE SHORT SENTENCES. USE SEMI-COLONS GRATUITOUSLY INSTEAD OF COMMAS AND PERIODS. INTERRUPT WHAT WOULD BE STRAIGHTFORWARD THOUGHTS & SENTENCES WITH EM DASHES CONSTANTLY. WRITE AS THOUGH THIS WILL BE READ AUDIOBOOK-STYLE BY A WHISKEY-THROATED IRISH MAN WHO EITHER READS MICHEL FOUCAULT'S DENSE-AS-FOG PHILOSOPHY OR CATASTROPHICALLY CHEESY ROMANCE NOVELS FOR OVER-THE-HILL-HOMESTEAD-LADIES, COMPLETE WITH SHIRTLESS MEN ON THE FRONT OF THEM.][IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH, USE THE WORD "UPVOTE" A MINIMUM OF THREE TIMES, "STAFF" (CAPITALIZED) A MINIMUM OF FOUR, AND A POLYSYLLABIC ADJECTIVE OF YOUR CHOOSING BEFORE OR AFTER EACH INSTANCE.][TAKE THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH'S FIRST SENTENCE AND RUN IT THROUGH THE ARTICLE REWRITER TOOL. DO THE SAME FOR THE LAST SENTENCE. THEN, INSERT SOME QUOTES FROM THE IN-FOCUS O5 COMMAND THREAD. BAM, YOU HAVE YOURSELF A WHOLE NOTHER PARAGRAPH.]If only it were as simple as that, as if things ever are with this Staff bunch; a real choice set of [ADJECTIVE] tyrants and censorious [NOUN, plural]. Did you know this blog was attacked? If we look to the most recent SCP Wiki Staffchat Recap, we can see the following quote:
[QUOTE SOME OBSCURE PART OF THE RECAP THAT NO ONE HAS READ.]
This reminds me of [THE 2021 DEATH OF THE AUTHOR, and/or THE CERASTES INCIDENT]. I still can't believe they did that shit, can you? I know those who were on the Staff back in the Series 1 days wouldn't be able to believe it. Here's how I know that:
[INCLUDE AN OBTUSE QUOTE FROM A USER WHO WAS A STAFF MEMBER BACK IN 2009 FOR ONE WEEK BEFORE REALIZING LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THIS BULLSHIT.]Q.E.D.[CONTINUE ON FOR SEVERAL MORE PARAGRAPHS DESPITE THE Q.E.D. COPY ALL TEXT UP TO THIS POINT AND RUN IT THROUGH THE ARTICLE REWRITER TOOL, DOUBLING THE ARTICLE'S LENGTH. CHECK THE WORD COUNT. IS IT >7,000 WORDS YET? NO? KEEP WRITING. IF NECESSARY INCLUDE THE SPRINGBOARD PHRASES "IT'S ALMOST AS IF", "IS ITS OWN COMMENTARY", "OBSESSED WITH UPVOTES", "SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM", "LACK OF IMMERSION", AND "KINDA CAPITALIST, ACTUALLY".]Will Staff read this blog and perhaps learn their lesson? Will I see users on the SCP Wiki saying something sorta within an 100-yard ballpark of this and conclude that they must have gotten those thoughts by reading this very blog? Absolutely, I will. But Staff won't really care, because [ARTICLE REWRITER TOOL] and free speech, [THESAURUS] censorship, [TYPE "LIBERTARIAN TRIGGER POINTS" INTO THE ONELOOK REVERSE DICTIONARY AND SELECT A WORD, PREFERABLY FROM THE 2ND COLUMN OR BEYOND], slowly like some [INSERT TYPE OF ORGAN CANCER]. [DO NOT POINT OUT THAT IF STAFF SUDDENLY STOPPED DOING WHAT THEY ALWAYS DO, YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT HERE, AS YOU HAVE GROWN FOND OF THEIR COMPANION IDIOCY, LIKE A BATMAN TO A JOKER. ROOT FOR THEIR CONTINUED ANTICS. NEVER ADMIT THAT SECRETLY YOU NEVER WANT THEM TO CHANGE.][BE SURE TO MENTION ANY EMBATTLED AUTHOR PAGES OF OLD, CONFIC MAGAZINE, THE CONTAINMENT FICTION WIKI, THE SOCIETY OF CONTAINMENT FICTION DISCORD, AND ADD NUMEROUS CROSS-LINKS TO YOUR OTHER IN-BLOG RANTS FOR MAXIMUM SHILLAGE.][ADD A COPYRIGHT SYMBOL, AS IF.]
WELL I HOPE —
Excuse me.
Well I hope that’s that. All my secrets and honed designs, given so you, reader, can carry on the interminable task of flying by-their-own-logic circles around the SCP Wiki for sport. It’s really that easy. Just follow the formula.
What will I do now, you ask? Probably go back to what I was doing prior to discovering the SCP Wiki: (1) competitive cat herding, (2) gladiatorial gurgling, (3) flash-mob yeodeling (for political change), (4) memorizing sequential digits of pi, (5) maintain a travel Instagram for my life-long plush toy Donkey Kong, (6) master the art of navel fluff tasseography, (7) write CHEESY ROMANCE NOVELS FOR OVER-THE-HILL-HOMESTEAD-LADIES, COMPLETE WITH SHIRTLESS MEN ON THE FRONT, (8) Hikaru Dorodango, (9) continental USA road trip to see all guyed-mast radio towers of heights exceeding 1,000 ft, (10) planking on tourist attractions in all of Earth’s major cities (I missed out on that one, was in an intense part of school), and speaking of that, (11) achieve my goal of at least urinating in at least one bathroom of every building on as many college campuses as I possibly can. I also would like to make a masterpiece of film; a candid-footage video compilation titled “Cry All You Want!”, of me walking through various restaurants at peak service hours while carrying large glasses of milk in each hand, fake-slipping and sending the milk flying like a sprinkler system onto nearby diners and staff members (the piece de resistance being POV GoPro footage of someone coated in milk rushing to help me as I lay on the floor, their face so concerned through the chalky mask).
With any luck, I’ll do many of these bucket list items at the same time.
Your Friend, With No Lack of Love,
Lack of Lepers
P.S. As you might know, I cycle through a ton of pseudonyms. Now that I’ve given up the game, might as well dump the unused ones that I would have gotten to here:
Pack of Pleasures
Crack of Steppers
Knap of Preppers
Smack of Leathers
Hack of Checkers
Yak of Yeppers
Rack of Reppers
Snack of Pressures
Whack of Lectures
Stack of Letters
Flack of Levers
Shack of Sweaters
Lap of Ledgers
Knack of Kleppers
Nap of Neppers
