The Troll Chronicles: Pizzacougar and the SCP Department of New 1984
SHITPOST — An unworthy troll sacrifices himself to demonstrate that SCP Staff is an authoritarian info-tyrant meant to punish ideological foes.
Past posts in this series:
Preface
This is a brief, satirical, and exaggerated fanfic about an SCP Wiki #site19 chat user named Pizzacougar. But first, some honest context:
Pizzacougar seems by all accounts to be a degenerate troll. His first entry on O5 is from August 23, 2021, where he is banned for a week for some comments SCP staff don’t like very much. He starts off his shenanigans in chat by making threats of violence against a younger sister of his, saying something derogatory about Asian names, and stereotyping Catholics as corruption-prone.
But none of those things truly broke the camel’s back; it was the one-two punch of events one night that ensured him the week-long ban. At 9:28 PM on some fateful night in August, Pizzacougar made a joke that referenced DrBright’s genitalia.
What could that joke have been? Who knows. Maybe it was really egregious. Or maybe, it just referenced Dr. Bright and genitalia in an obscure way. In any case, referencing genitalia is something that only Dr Bright is allowed to do, and not anyone else. And given the sensitive reputation of SCP long-tolerating Dr Bright’s sexual deviancy, bringing anything sexual too close to Dr Bright, even to his remnant fictional character, is a no-no.
Not 20 minutes later, Pizzacougar begins to complain that he was banned from Roblox for saying “sussy baka”. This is apparently a big deal there; the phrase is verboten. So are, reportedly, the words “gay”, “boyfriend”, and “girlfriend”. You apparently can’t say or type those words on Roblox. Why not? Probably for really really dumb reasons (there’s a pattern to this sort of zealous censorship). I mean my God, SCP isn’t even that bad. Right?
Well, actually.
You see, it’s as if SCP witnesses another community being more dystopian than they are, and then has to out-compete them to reclaim a leaderboard spot.
So a staffer decides to flex in response to the suggestion that banning these words is a little insane. Digging deep for a feasible justification for why someone would rationally ban the words “gay”, “boyfriend”, and “girlfriend”, the staffer comes up with:
“That sounds like it’s trying to protect kids from getting groomed by adult players.”
Uh-huh. Now what would anyone at SCP know about protecting kids from being groomed by adult players? Hey, I’m just asking! Perhaps a crouching insecurity is here, hoping desperately to share the woe in overlap with another online community? Anyone’s guess.
Because we are by now used to logic being an optional ingredient in finding reason to project one’s sensitivity at SCP, we can ignore that this doesn’t make any sense; that banning the words “gay”, “boyfriend”, and “girlfriend” will not in any way protect kids from being groomed by adults, any more than artificially raising a site’s age limit to 18 will.
We’ll instead comb through the rest of the provided chat logs (… boy, SCP doesn’t do themselves any favors here… we see a wild “.au” in this random sample, indicating just how common it must be still to this day in there) because the sentence above the collapsible here tells us that Pizzacougar said that “they get joy out of tormenting children on a children’s game”.
Oh, wow. That is just really vile. “Tormenting”! What an awful person. The dregs of society. Images of kids in cages, dungeons, and a plod of wet hay on cold stone as a bed.
Where is that in here? Hmm… OK. I think I found it:
10:01 PM <pizzacougar> DrFullham I troll on there cuz its little kids
10:01 PM <pizzacougar> Trolling adults isn’t fun or funny.
That’s the best I can do. This is “tormenting”. The two L’s in the word “troll” have magically vanished, or been amputated, the O and R have swapped places, and an entire block-tonnage of “-menting” has been dropped at the end of it. It’s as easy as that.
We notice, and we must never fail to point this out when it is so nearby, that this is agreed as “tormenting” by the near-Admin Staff member who doxed and harassed children IRL and tried to get them expelled from their school, potentially ruining their educational life and greater life for the crime of trolling the IRC chat. That same individual was consulted here and helped decide the case and punishment?! Enroll directly into rehab because you are addicted to hard, uncut, straight-into-the-veins hypocrisy. Yet this individual is still being turned to for other rulings, like Staff promotions.
It was decided after Pizzacougar’s time in chat (the user had left by this time) that this was all worthy of a week-long ban, and worthy of being forwarded to the Anti-Harassment Team too.
Why? Who was harassed? What harassment case could be opened up? Where was the victim? What private data could be censored? Again, these things are never about the logic. It’s about saying something large, momentous, and deserving when people are watching.
But the story of Pizzacougar had only just begun. He was to soon come back to appeal his ban; a risky move and not one that any troll is brave enough… or foolish enough… to do. In his gusto, he met a tragic fate, but incidentally awarded SCP the bitter crown of the most censorious and tyrannical moderating site out there… one reaching in admiration and mimicry of the Big Brothers of Silicon Valley — those billionaire technocrat purchasers of politicians who outsource the violation of 1st Amendment rights; whose “established science” fallacy is the creeping adultery and incest of corporation and government (the literal definition of facism, just to provide some counter-education to the ironic “bash-the-fash”-ers)… SCP is here exposed as a philosophy and moderation team worse than Roblox…
Chapter 2: The Courtess of the Grand Judicature of Appeals
2021-08-26 11:05:30 Lily: Now
2021-08-26 11:05:34 Lily: Why should we unban you
2021-08-26 11:07:29 pizzacougar: Lily it’s only a weeklong ban, so it may not be worth appealing, but I literally said something about what I do off of IRC. I don’t understand why you would ban me for doing something on another platform.
2021-08-26 11:08:07 pizzacougar: Not even Roblox does that.
2021-08-26 11:08:10 Lily: Because it's indicative of behaviour we do not appreciate in our users
2021-08-26 11:08:47 Lily: We can and will ban users who cannot act appropriately off-site if it is concerning enough and may relate to their behaviour on-site.
2021-08-26 11:08:58 Lily: You additionally made a number of questionable remarks.
2021-08-26 11:11:38 pizzacougar: Lily some of those were literally just jokes
2021-08-26 11:12:28 Lily: pizzacougar: okay, and jokes that cause offense don't get away with it for being a joke
2021-08-26 11:12:39 Lily: You should know this
2021-08-26 11:12:56 pizzacougar: Lily I guess you’re right.
2021-08-26 11:13:56 Lily: I think you should use the remainder of the ban to consider that, and come back when it's up
2021-08-26 11:13:58 Lily: Appeal denied.
2021-08-26 11:14:55 pizzacougar: Lily ok, sorry for all the shit that I said. FUCK. ME.
2021-08-26 11:15:25 pizzacougar: pizzacougar was kicked by Lily for: none of thatThe Courtess opens the floor of her courtroom like a boxing champion takes off robes. Pizzacougar cowers — small, minimized, unworthy — in the center of the great court room, the converged lights blinding him, as if he was beholding the glory of the SCP Staff itself.
“Who enters my chamber?” she bellows out across the marble floor, knowing full well the answer.
“It’s I, Pizzacougar. Saying I’m sorry.”
“Ah.”
Her Mellifluousness licks her lips with a smacking smirk. With a clap, the spotlights recede and a more general lighting illuminates the Grand Judicature of Appeals. Simultaneous, a lowly Junior Staff hurriedly runs, a bowl of plump, purple grapes in hands, and a large palm leaf tucked and bobbing between the bowl and its chest.
The Courtess opens her mouth sideways, her head moving second, jutting the lower jaw towards the lowly Junior Staffer. She has anticipated the lowering of the first grapes into her mouth too soon, and the Junior Staffer frantically attempts to soothe the awkward delay between the script and the execution. It puts the bowl down, shaking water off a cluster, and extends on its tip-toes. Her Grace’s mouth is leaned lovingly towards the visiting delicacies. The grapes are slowly lowered into Her Deservedness’s maw, where they are received fumblingly by her lips, as if those of an orangutan stripping a branch of leaves, and are chewed with a careful propriety more out of place in the veneer of formality than it would otherwise be. The Junior Staffer is quick to pick up the palm leaf dropped to the floor and wave it rhythmically in a fanning motion towards the Ruler. There is no appreciable breeze or cooling effect from this, but again, that is far from the point.
“Do not dare look up at Her Elevatedness!” a court member spits at Pizzacougar. “That is why we made the floor so beautiful.”
Pizzacougar bows his head to see the ground. Snow-white marble with faint veins of black, embroidered with golden tracery. The holy ceremony can continue:
“Now,” the Courtess officiates.
“Why should we unban you?”
The request for a ban is an offense to godly reasoning. That someone would dare enter into the inner sanctum of a Staff decision and petition it to be changed is a sheer insult; as if there was something in the scenario that Staff did not see, did not process in an omnipotent entirety, and then correctly deduce the placement of in the moral picture framed before them. The insult brings forth an internal fire, one that is stayed for the much more savory chance at the impending denial… first, the Staff must hear the words pour out of the doomed heathen’s fibrillating, incorrect tongue.
“Not even Roblox does that.”
The crowd gasps. Such disrespect. Will a head be flayed from its shoulders and bob across the floor in the next seconds? Pizzacouger feels the closing reality of death checkmating his decisions into a petrified regret. With a wave of the hand, the appeal is denied and Pizzacouger becomes impossible. Pizzacouger vanishes through a trap door, screams clawing at the walls along the way. He is gone.
The crowd murmurs at the violence and the riled anger of the Courtess. But in truth, she is far from it. A comet of envy streaked across the locked eyes of The Lordess as she smote the sap whimpering before her; watching that certain, defiant, limited pleasure to be had in the pain of humiliation — one long-lost to her in her stature. A vengeful blood-lust satiated? No. The damning was done with a different pleasure, the poor soul relieved of its constriction after granting SCP what they had longed for; precisely the reaction they wanted.
It has bested Roblox.
Chapter Two: Pizzacougar Redux
3:19 PM <pizzacougar> I won’t get the vaccine because I don’t believe in pseudoscience the far-left is putting out there3:19 PM <AWeirdBird> i mean, some people may not have done any research at all3:19 PM <@gee0765> the horses are getting all the good shit3:19 PM <%DrFullham> it's not3:19 PM <@gee0765> pizzacougar: is this a bit3:19 PM <%DrFullham> pseudoscience
3:19 PM It's
3:19 PM science3:19 PM <@gee0765> are you making a joke or no3:19 PM <Tropinano> :D https://usercontent.irccloud-cdn.com/file/red3jsja/IMG_0105.PNG
IMG_0105.PNG335.36KB • image/png3:19 PM <Hex> :|3:19 PM <pizzacougar> There are people saying that the vaccine is better than natural immunity, which is false3:20 PM <%DrFullham> …no3:20 PM <pizzacougar> I have natural immunity already3:20 PM <Tropinano> idk if it fits well or no3:20 PM <%DrFullham> It's not
3:20 PM that's the purpose of3:20 PM <BananaRepublic> Obviously you should do research if you’re skeptical but like the science is pretty much in that vaccines are like effective and shit3:20 PM <%DrFullham> a vaccine
3:20 PM Natual immunity didn't save lots of people from fucking polio
3:20 PM That's why they made a vaccine.3:20 PM <@gee0765> the last time the far left did pseudoscience was trofim lysenko in the 1950s lmao3:20 PM <pizzacougar> Here’s the thing, the vaccine for COVID was rushed3:20 PM <Hex> No, it wasn't. lmao3:21 PM <pizzacougar> Vaccines normally take several years to be developed3:21 PM <DrHart> FlameShirt oh ty3:21 PM <%DrFullham> Yes3:21 PM <Hex> The governmental bullshit was cut, but the actual science wasn't.3:21 PM <%DrFullham> and people normally don't die by the thousands from one disease
3:21 PM This was not a normal situation
3:21 PM So it could not be given a normal response3:21 PM <Hex> Bureaucracy. That's the word I was looking for.3:22 PM <pizzacougar> Plus, in teens (including me), many develop heart issues due to the vaccine3:22 PM <DrGolden> The vaccine production was put on turbo
3:22 PM pizzacougar: I have heard of no such side effects3:22 PM <%DrFullham> many?
3:22 PM How many3:22 PM <@gee0765> if many means like six in several million you're right but3:22 PM <DrGolden> Please list your sources3:22 PM <%DrFullham> Give me a statistic that has real research behind it or that statement is meaningless3:23 PM <DrGolden> ^3:23 PM <@gee0765> far more likely to get dead from covid3:23 PM <pizzacougar> 78%, with the median age being 15.63:23 PM <Hex> pizzacougar: That's literally not true. You know what is giving teens heart issues? COVID.3:23 PM <DrGolden> okay no
3:23 PM That’s a complete lie
3:23 PM There is no way 78% of teenagers get heart complications from the vaccine3:23 PM <Tropinano> i got mine and my heart looks great3:23 PM <DrGolden> No government EVER would put that out3:23 PM <pizzacougar> I got COVID and had almost zero issues other than some headaches3:23 PM <DrGolden> Tropinano same here3:23 PM <%DrFullham> Good for you3:24 PM <DrGolden> ^3:24 PM <%DrFullham> Tell that to the millions dead
3:24 PM Oh wait you can't they're dead3:24 PM <DrGolden> Also that statement has 0 sources behind it so far
3:24 PM So to me it’s just a made up statistic3:24 PM <%DrFullham> Yup3:25 PM <Hex> Multiple people I know have almost died, or *have* died from COVID. You know how many have gotten ill from the vaccine that I know? None.3:25 PM <pizzacougar> Here’s the thing, COVID affects certain people differently3:25 PM <DrGolden> And what about it3:25 PM <&Lily> Oh my god okay so
3:26 PM That's enough antivaxx lies and shit3:26 PM <%DrFullham> That's like saying "you can shoot anytone, some people survive it after all"3:26 PM <pizzacougar> Lily I’m not anti-vax3:26 PM — Hex sighs3:26 PM <%DrFullham> You called it pseudoscience and are apreading false statistics3:26 PM <DrGolden> You aren’t helping your case3:27 PM <WitchOfSummer> pizzacougar "Plus, in teens (including me), many develop heart issues due to the vaccine… 78%, with the median age being 15.6"3:27 PM <&Lily> Alright all
3:27 PM Stop backseat modding3:27 PM <pizzacougar> Then again, read ACTUAL CLINICAL TRIALS AND NOT YOUR DAMN COMMIE NEWS OUTLETS.3:27 PM <DrGolden> Ach, sorry3:27 PM <&Lily> pizzacougar: this is a 6 month ban for intentionally spreading misinfo3:27 PM <DrGolden> Oh wow3:27 PM ← pizzacougar (loungeuser@SCP-h7jcbd.res.spectrum.com) was kicked by &Lily: appeal in 17 if you wish
That was August, then. Now it is late September, and censorship on Silicon Valley social media platforms has worsened. The rules of what is and isn’t “misinformation” have again shifted; what was once ban-worthy is now endorsed by the CDC; what was once tolerated in discussion is now cut short earlier in the conversation. The bar of tyranny has been raised, and SCP… more a social media publisher-platform itself than ever… now needs to make a statement to run with the big boys….
This was no longer about fun. He had found his match, met it head-on, and the inevitable was now his to ruminate upon. But an oddity of defeat is that, given survival, you are introduced to the technology of the win. He stood up, greeted by a rainforest of anxieties. They gathered into a bolus of panic and in an observation he soon came to understand and be at peace with; the thickest black is the kind that you breathe in.
Consuming his stores of past adiposity in the darkness of a week-long ban, Pizzacougar finds strength where there should be failure. Taut in the despair of a hopelessness that can only be experienced alone, he discovers most fully and most properly, himself. The public mortification of the Grand Judicature of Appeals is now but a vocal warm up to what must be done; what now is his to be fully capable of. These are the secrets he now knows:
The secret of humiliation is that as soon as the recipient of it it denies the cowardice in accepting it as just punishment, it becomes viable as a contagion in the air. In the spectacle of punishment upon someone with resolve, a horrible confusion spreads from the scene, consuming both the punished and the executioner. The shame of the wrongdoer is inverted into pity, then a sort of glory, and it contaminates the purity of the punisher into a new, thicker public shame all its own.
There is great power found in being sacrificed to something dominant to you. In a stupidity contest, there is a benefit to letting the opponent win. He will harness this power, and deflect like a mirrored shield the shame that he is supposed to have. He will look down their barrels and see in their eyes the view you get from behind the gun.
The court doors fling open like startled birds wings. Eyes lock across a football field. There’s that envy again.
3:19 PM <pizzacougar> I won’t get the vaccine because I don’t believe in pseudoscience the far-left is putting out there
Tin jugs and glass cups would accident with the stone floor perimetering the ornate court, were this intrusion during feeding time for the Luxuriate. Instead, Pizzacougar had interrupted the topic at hand; a careful ear had waited outside the room for just such an occasion. The conversation lost its homogeneity, and he sauntered like an adventurous tone in an orchestra playing only one note.
The courtroom buzzed in unison back. The noise was not coherent, but it was loud, and made of more voices. Pizzacougar recalled his training.
3:19 PM <pizzacougar> There are people saying that the vaccine is better than natural immunity, which is false. I have natural immunity.
The court onlookers tense into a web of horror looking back at him.
3:22 PM <pizzacougar> Plus, in teens (including me), many develop heart issues due to the vaccine
Everyone ran for cover. These were bullets. Alarms sounded and screams were heard. A Duke of the court broke down in tears, lamenting through sobs that he had never heard of such side effects before — the implication that it could therefore not be true clear enough.
“Get the sources!” A voice shouted. “Sources! Sources!” It was soon a chorus.
“Where are ours? Where are our sources?” Someone shrieked in a nanosecond of unlucky clarity.
3:23 PM <pizzacougar> I got COVID and had almost zero issues other than some headaches
The guards were by now organized into phalanx, the word “literally” wielded before each member in a resolute and stout protuberance, their leverage and purchase deep into rhetorical surety. Their tips advanced toward Pizzacougar, the sideways glances of the guards to one another at least enough reassurance to maintain the front. One guard, intolerant of the proximity, throws his spear too quickly to have aim. It clanks loudly far from the feet of the unwelcome deceiver.
3:25 PM <pizzacougar> Here’s the thing, COVID affects certain people differently
Several in the back of the room, pinned against the walls, faint. Their sudden exhales of anguish and the sound of thudding body mass startles the guards, who break formation in cacophony. Another sound splits the huddle of guards entirely; it is the tectonically quiet footsteps of The Courtess.
3:25 PM <&Lily> Oh my god okay so
3:26 PM That’s enough antivaxx lies and shit
Dripping from her hands is the fresh blood of a homegrown traitor; the one who had asked the wrong side of the court to produce sources and citations. The pattern of the fallen blood trailed her like ellipses. The sound of new drops into the growing pool beneath her feet echoed wide off the cathedral ceilings like hymns. Her gaze cast across the rows of guards before her reduced them to peeling shadows.
Pizzacouger looked into the eyes of she who sweep eyes over any soul; one far from sober and desiring a worship held as a prize; a total submission to the correct beliefs vested in her by the grandiloquence of the edifice towering above them. Pizzacouger stared it all down, as if buildings could be brought to rubble by sight alone.
3:26 PM <pizzacougar> Lily I’m not anti-vax
The crowd hissed and sneered; a net of spittle erupted from them.
3:27 PM <&Lily> Alright all
3:27 PM Stop backseat modding
The apprehension in the room had been taken into a new general mood; the Courtess’s assumption of control gave the rite meaning again. It was the lust of the public execution as a social event. The court members on the outer walls began to circle them; as if an army of wolves. The next layer moved concordant in the alternate direction. The entire court clicked into unison, the fear from moments ago melted down into the ecstasy of animals, pouring out all tension from their bodies onto the floor.
The Courtess took steps towards Pizzacouger. These sounded not of shoe-leather across the richest of stone, but the shrill treble of heavy, sharpened steel. An inhuman contortion across the shriveling distance between them placed Her Upwardsness mere inches from the infidel’s pathetic breaths, the exhausting resolve of them an irritant and almost painful against her unblemished knee.
Pizzacougar did not need to close his eyes to remind himself of the blackness he was not long ago born from, for it was before him in the shape of pupils, surrounded by porcelain orbs, cracked by black veins reaching forever towards the emptiness of an impassable gulf. And another such blackness in the pit of the throat now opening up before him, as if a third eye; the beveled and serrated teeth a jagged picture frame to his fate. The mucosal surfaces in the throat pulsated. The saliva tasted him first. The crowd cheered at the quick triumph of their Queeness, and only those in the first rows of eagerly postured guards heard the final cry of the error of a human who had attempted to express a different opinion:
3:27 PM <pizzacougar> Then again, read ACTUAL CLINICAL TRIALS AND NOT YOUR DAMN COMMIE NEWS OUTLETS.
Fumbling the struggling body of Pizzacougar between syllables, Her Courtness pronounced Pizzacougar’s fate with a series of splintering crunches, punctuated with a belch.
3:27 PM <&Lily> pizzacougar: this is a 6 month ban for intentionally spreading misinfo
Pizzacougar abandoned himself to the consolation that he held the knowledge of his death day upon waking up that morning; upon throwing open the doors to the screams of the strength in his arms and back. The last traces of his neuronal activity, as it melded into the digestive juices of the creature, were in the far-off direction of a practiced monologue, never spoken deafly to the cerumin-and-pus-plugged ears all around him:
“You are the arbiter of your own destruction, the progenitor of your own misery, the engineer of your own death trap.
Your reaction to my speech is far worse than my speech itself. To truly be occupied with misinformation, you would now need to ban misinformation for any and every topic. But you won’t.
“Misinformation” to you is a concept that is bound so tightly to one topic that it is an irreducible package. One clearly delivered to and consumed by you from your Bigger Siblings that you can’t help but contract the illogic of via a passive luxury. The fact that you only police one narrative of correct or incorrect information by ban is telling; you do not apply this Ministry of Truth to any other topic. And so this is less about people being properly informed, or scientific discussion, but for better branding as an increasingly religious political block; it’s for your brand’s benefit, not for anything or anyone else.
Your dismissal of anything approaching rational discussion on this topic is pitch perfect demonstration that what you are doing and the viewpoints you are enforcing on your userbase are in no way scientific; are in no way sapient; are in no way secure in itself; are in no way on a winning side of interpretation; and most importantly, are in no way consensus.
You have responded to the most politically tugged and most epistemologically-muddled thing to be thoroughly and correctly informed about in modern human biological history, and awarded it an inverse amount of certainty due in the name of science, due to it playing to your side of the political divide; a side that ostensibly favors Big Brother, increased surveillance, a philosophical violence, and wrongthink. You are in step with the march of fascism that tells you that you are freedom fighters storming a Bastille.
You are slowly chipping away at the grip you have on what you can for a while longer now call your own. These little things you fleck off as flies are seeds. The nutrients you pour out from your religious bloodletting sets the soils hungry, and these seeds delicious.”
In place of Pizzacougar’s now lost consciousness, there floated a karma, one meant for unjust discipline anywhere. It fluttered off into the ether as a credit to be later debited by some concerned scribe.
